There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I sometimes forget... that we are in the midst of a war. I care not for what has been "declared". If I hear that more and more of our troops are dying... We're still in war. A sobering reminder came to me today. One of my younger (in AKA years) sorors is being deployed. And although I tried to buck up and stay strong and the conversation turned to the weather to keep us from getting "mushy" or worried... I felt it. I felt that horrid feeling. That terrible thought crossed my mind... "I'm typing to someone that I may never see again." I felt bad for killing her off in my head before she even heads out. I don't want anything to happen to anyone I know and love. But this defense mechanism is serious. I remember to this day the day it kicked in. Watching that station wagon pull out of Denman street headed to Florida... with my Grandmother in it. She did die to me that day. Maybe that's why her death recently didn't weigh as much as I thought it did. She was going to be unfathomably (to a 12 year old) far... and all I'd be able to do is call... and write. Although I did get to go visit her once when I was 14. And then she moved back to NY when I was 22. And I never got to see her then either. I never made time to see her. It was crazy... the night before she went into the hospital for her 5 month stint before she died... I passed the door where she was moving into (right next door)... and I thought to myself... I'll ALWAYS get to see her now!!! How late we come to these epiphanies. I'm straying off the subject... I just feel like I'm bracing for bad news now. There are folks that have gone over that I know... Reggie... Fred... I didn't think about it twice. I knew that they'd come back. I need to be that reassured about my Soror. I guess since she looks to me for advice (mostly about AKA) that I considered her like one of my own... one of my neos. It's hitting close. I gotta get on my knees. Because I need her to be okay.
