There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
There's gonna be a morning when I wake up and FEEL free.
I drag myself out of bed every morning. I dread going to the bathroom. I hate getting on the train. Is it supposed to be like this for 40 years? Is this what they were talking about in the business. Can I do this? Will I have to? All i really want to do... is wake up in the morning, when I'm good and damned ready, roll over and snuggle with my baby... maybe have a little morning interlude... pending on how we feel... shower together... cook together... and just relax for the day. Nothing more. I don't want to run to meetings... I have no desire to sit at a desk and whittle away my retina on a computer screen... I hate people MUCH stupider than I coming and telling me how to do what I know how to do well. It's so funny... there is a show that JUST came on about "Shawshank Redemption: Escaping your 9-5". Maybe I need to. And he started the show off..."You wake up every morning and drag yourself out of bed..."
I wonder what is happening to make me feel this way. I usually LOVE the change from summer to fall... but it's been rainy and wet and gloomy. I yearn for the crisp cold bright sunny days of the fall. And wrapping myself in sensuous suedes and luxurious leathers and soft sweaters... It is indeed the most sensual season for me. I feel like the heat deadens my senses. All I can feel is HOT. Hot skin... Hot clothes... hot shoes.... never mind the texture. But my skin is refreshed by the cold and suddenly all my senses become 3D. Furs are soft and slick all at once... leathers are butter smooth...skin is ultra supple... like my baby's arm... he has THE SOFTEST skin. We ran in to the car from out of the rain and as we sat and prepared to get on the way, we peeled off layer after layer of wet clothing. And underneath, he had a sleeveless tee and he KNOWS what that does to me, sitting next to him in the car. I can't keep my hands off of him. He has the BEST arms chest and shoulders in the world. When he takes me in his arms... there is nothing that can harm me. It makes me reach that needy, clingy part of me. That same me that used to date Shawn and would cry on Sundays because we'd be apart for a week. Because I was gonna keep going to work, and going to school and building my business... to split my achievements with him. (GOSH... how I totally am not in touch with that time anymore). But that little needy part of me cries out when he and I can't be together.
I spent the night over there the other day... and I swear I didn't want to go. And I've been quietly missing him ever since. But he seems fine. Sometimes when I stay there the weekend... it feels like he can't be rid of me fast enough on a Monday morning. He's like "WHEW!!! Dang... how long have you been here? since Friday? SHIT..." Never actually said it... but his actions and attitudes. He can't wait to go on and be on his own. Which disturbs me... because how would we do if we did in fact go ahead one day and get married? We'd have to be millionaires and get opposing wings. His and mine. But ... it would be more for him than for myself.
