There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I'm grateful for a lot of things. I always am. I'm the kind of person who walks down the street and gives thanks to the Lord for the apple blossoms on the trees during the spring... Or thankful for the moon being so low in the sky and so red or yellow... and allowing me to gaze upon it's beauty. Or if I walk by a homeless person, crackhead, drug dealer, prostitute, corporate mogul... I thank the Lord for making me exactly who I am and there but for His grace, go I. So I don't feel that I need to give a special consideration to one day to do the things that I always do. But today was ucky.
It wasn't all ucky. I had a good time with my brother just sitting and talking. For all intents and purposes, he's my best friend. I hold things back from him... on the sheer strength that he's my brother. But who else has known me for so long... and so well. I don't even know if my mom knows me as well. But we share a set of memories that no one can really appreciate with me, besides him. So... our morning walk and talk down memory lane was enjoyable. My baby joined us... but he slept after he ate... which is typical. I was talking to JD about going to see a specialist with him about his possibly having sleep apnea. Then we came home.
And my window was shut and the fan was off... but... i left it open and on. So I asked around the house who might have done it? Dad. Okay... I'm just gonna ask him not to do it again. Why did that have to turn into a fight? The age old battle of "this is my house and as long as you're under my roof"... but all I asked was that... if I left my window open and fan on and said I was coming back... please don't touch it. Am I asking to have "boys over?" Am I smoking drugs in the back room? Am I having wild parties? ... none of the above. Just a simple request. He had to make a stink about it. I'm just so sick of him. *sigh*
Then my baby whisked me away to his mom's house for a while where she and I talked and he watched the game. I'm thankful this year that his mother has warmed up to me. I didn't know how long it would take... but she seems to like me now. She looks me in the eye when she talks to me sometimes... it's the same warming up that my baby had to do to get used to me. Then we went and visited with AP and his family. We stayed there for soooo long. I'm glad to know that they were happy to have us over. Sometimes I feel like full fledged families can't be bothered with "couples" that aren't married or don't have kids. I guess it's creating the pull.
Then we went home and my baby made my mind spin. He's so amazing. I really love him. We leisurely woke up this morning... took our time to do whatever we wanted to do... and he went off to work and I went off to shopping and hanging out with my neo, D. So hopefully this party that I've been getting ready for and anticipating since September will be well attended and much fun for all :)... more later
