There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
It's like the angel of restructuring swept through my office. But somehow, someone managed to scrape a little corporate lamb's blood on my forehead or over my computer. I was spared. But spared to stand there in the rubble of dismemberment. They "restructured" my entire department. I'm the only one left standing. And I'm so scared and confused and nervously excited. I don't know what it all means. I'm terribly sad for my friends, colleagues and mentors. They hired me. They nurtured me. They were my team. And I'm scared for them in this economy. Hoping that they'll find something else and better. I'm scared / excited for myself. Maybe this is my chance to make a mark. To start moving up in the world... but can I do it? Do I really have what it takes? I'm scared that I'll drop the ball. I'm scared that they'll restructure again and make me part of that events' sacrifice. I am on the defensive now. I have to stand my ground and defend my skillset and my talents. OR.... leave now and just go stick myself under someone else's hierarchy and feel "safe and protected". I feel that although my ceiling is somehow removed... it's exposing me. Now all the higher ups can scrutinize me and see if I'm really worth holding on to. Every move, every mistake. No one to cover for me anymore. If I did make any mistakes... I had 3 managers that were willing to take the brunt for me. No longer. I better stand up tall... puff up my chest and make sure that my rep is golden. This is the only way to make myself shine in this industry. I have to take the hand that's been dealt to me and play it right.
I hope I play it right.
Dreaming
I had a dream that I went to Haiti to get married. It was really a nice dream. I don't remember any bugs. And I was marrying my baby, which is the best part. He was so confident and debonaire... and I was dainty and feminine. And we married on the pier by the water / by the airport. But it wasn't noisy. Just the winds coming off of the ocean... and I was wearing a sunhat. It was very 50's 60's... but relaxing. And wonderful. I looked just the way I wanted. My baby was just the way I want him, and everything I wanted FROM him, he was giving me. The best ring. The sweetest gifts. Just everything. And I was really happy. It was sunny in this dream. I hope its forboding good things to come.
