There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
So, what I expected to have happen today did. Just like I thought. My body kicked in and it's business like usual. I'm so frustrated with it. And of course this month will be the most painful, most unruly ... just to make it 10 times harder to deal with. It's 8:19 AM and I'm still home because I had to sit extra long in the bathroom today while my body did it's expected purge of all useless organs: lungs, brain, bowels. And now I'm just weary. My back hurts, my soul is tired. I can't get a good nights sleep. I'm sure it would have been worse if the test came back positive. I just have to be dissatisfied with something. It's not good enough for me to just be content.
On a few brighter notes, I saw the Matrix on opening night. ummmmm not sure that I was in love with it. It left me with too many questions and not enough people to speculate with. Just my brother. Which is great... but after a while, he tries to convince you that his opinion is right. And sometimes I don't want or need that. I just need to state my opinion and have you state yours and both of us sit there and say "wow". But not necessarily change over to one or the other.
Last night I hung out with Max. She indulged me in a trip to her house so that I could drown myself in "booze" as she so aptly puts it. I asked her... "Do you have any wine?" she said "SHIT. No." So we bargained on what I could drink. Turned out to be 2 Heinikens and a Smirnoff ice. While we sat there overly giddy watching Friends, Will & Grace and Scrubs. Then... cause we had a couple of extra hours free, we watched Old School (again)... which will never get Old for any of us. We laugh again like it's the first time we've seen it. And it never lets us down.
I'm in awe sometimes of how in tune my friends are with me. She knew I just needed to not think about being barren. Just for a little while. And she came through.
I slept through the night last night, luckily. Let's pray I make it through the day.
