There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Mom and dad come back tomorrow. And I'm relieved. I kinda feel like I've been holding my breath until they come back in some kind of show of maturity and ability. But I'm good to exhale now. If for no other reason then a resolution to my fear. I'm horribly nervous in this space and it's clutter.
My brother has implied that I'm nesting. I can't clog my mind with thoughts of motherhood just to find out that it's business as usual. I remember the last time I had a "false" alarm. I was just devastated. Not like I'm ready, though. So I need to slow my roll. My heart has been racing at night and I wonder if it's because it's beating for two. I need to find out soon. We'll see for next week.
My skin is crawling. I'm so tired but not sleepy... i'm fidgety. I watched a movie with my brother tonight on accident called "The Waking Life". I really enjoyed thie movie because it spoke to that part of my brain that LOVES a mental challenge. I love to pontificate on problems that have never had any resolution and attempt to find one. I can't say that there are that many people I feel could I could match wits with. A lot of folks out there aren't concerned with the existential. Max and Sug are down with me... and my brother. I don't think I really revealed the Camus in me to anyone else.
