There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Just that quickly I get all heated writing about how things aren't going right. It's that quickly that he runs and manages to set everything into place. I was so mad I didn't even want to see him or talk to him. That anger comes from me feeling like I've trapped myself in ways. I expressed this to him. It's my mom in me. The eternally the super hero / quiet victim extraordinaire. She is so strong, but is at the mercy of my father's whim. If he doesn't want to take her somewhere or help her with something... it's just NOT GETTING DONE. So that little victim in me was crying "RAPE!" "WOLF!" "FIRE!" or whatever else might get someones attention to join me in my very own personal pity party.
But he swooped in with his crimson and cream cape and whisked me out of my brooding. He's so good at doing that. He came through and was a pillar of strength. He stayed by me for the Fashion Fantasy and did anything and everything we asked for. He did it without complaining not once. He was just a knight in shining armor. And once again... I'm all in love! He's amazing. I left my cellphone in his pocket and he drove all the way back from BK to bring it to me. And I was just overwhelmed with this feeling of love for him. I was so excited to see him. I think he was taken aback by it. But that's okay. I guess if I wasn't so schitzo... his love would appear perfect all the time. But it's so in my nature to nit pick and find flaw. My eye and mind are tuned to making things look perfect and seamless. But I think I have to be okay with things seeming imperfect, but BEING flawless. It's definitely a paradigm shift for me.
