There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I've heard this term so much that I had a dream about running in the marathon. 'cept... I was running away from Diddy as he chased me taunting "take that take that" and "we ain't... goin' nowhere... we ain't goin no where" But I heard that he actually made it through the marathon and beat Oprah's time and raised 2 million dollars... not just 1. Which is great. And I want to believe the way kids were IN TEARS about him coming to their schools to visit (I'm sayin... Marvin-Gaye-groupie-type tears), that he's shown them that no matter what... if they put their minds to something, they can accomplish it. Honestly, I hoped he would win... just to show me that too. Because i had that as a precept once upon a time... and I lost it. I'm slowly trying to regain though... so hopefully one day I'll be able to train 8 weeks for a 26 mile life marathon and make it to the end against all odds.
My baby helped me clean the bathroom today. It was FILTHY. I couldn't believe what was in there. And he was so brave to offer. He's really my knight in shining armor. He offered and after going through this spectacle with the bathroom, he still offered to do the kitchen with me. To which my jaw dropped. Because the kitchen is no joke. If we can get my parents to leave the house for a few days at a time... we'll complete the whole house. And then, maybe I won't be embarrassed to invite people over to visit. The bathroom is pristine now. I didn't realize that my parents had lost their nerve a LONG time ago. It's just hitting me now. The managed to keep everything beautiful when I was in college... and for a while after I came back. But now ... it's a chore to do anything. And with my busy schedule... I don't have time to really dedicate to upkeep. But I'm going to either have to find the time... or leave this house. Because two things are happening. 1) The clutter is affecting my life. 2) I'm losing respect for my parents... and I NEVER wanted to do that.
I won the election for corresponding sec'y in my chapter on Saturday. It felt good. I was a little scared to run against my neo. And when we got to exec board, we realized that because of an appt. that was made, the race for the position I wanted was the ONLY contested one. That's a lot of pressure. I pray it wasn't by a landslide. I really was kind of up in the air about how the chapter felt about me vs. her. She was made there... she was on the membership committee. She was their darling. I was not made there. They had seen my name EVERYWHERE ... maybe they thought that I needed to sit down and let someone else do the job. Funny if they had thought that. C.S. was the only position that I really wanted. It's what I did in undergrad, and I think I was pretty good at it. Plus I think it will give me a chance to get to know Sorors a little better. I gave my heart sister a gift at meeting. She didn't look too excited... but no matter. I'm going to work to make things better. *sigh* I see myself constantly fighting out of holes. But I make them for myself... so it's fitting.
This morning was earth shattering again with my baby. I fear that I may have awoken the neighbors... but whatever. It was something that I desperately needed and wanted. And he indulged in me. It was great. I think we're on a solid good path. I'm still counting days to get my stuff. I haven't seen any signs yet. And my baby tells me we need to test it out and see what's up. Gosh... that would change stuff drastically. We'll see.
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