There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Everywhere I go I see people with passion. In their lives, for their work, in their loves... and they look consumed. Possessed. All I can do is wonder if life is really living without it. Can you live passionateless and be fulfilled? I went out with Sugie tonight and we ended up at a Salsa club... and one couple could have cared less that they were in public. They were thoroughly enjoying each other's presence, bodies, lips, warmth. And when they danced... there was so much symmetry and yearning. It was really beautiful and nauseating at the same time. I'm sure the nausea came from a twinge of envy. I had no dance partner and was not prepared to be attractive to any caller at THAT particular venue. My hair was up in a wrap and I looked more like a Bohemian Goddess than I did a Latina deity of Dance. So I expected to dance alone. But... the passion was laced in the air. Maybe to daunt me. "See what you're missing?" it breathily whispered in my ear.
But with Passion...almost always comes infidelity. Dishonesty. Deception. Would I chose lying to myself about what is really happening over feeling secure and sure of my surroundings? I continue to ask myself every waking moment. Women have to make the choice constantly. Between Security and Spontanaity. Between Passion and Protection. Can one live with one and without the other? They almost always do not come in the same package. Almost like they can't live in the same space. But women need both. How does one satisfy that? Or... is it necessary to tune out the desire for one or the other? Do we live life like John Nash and have those desires ever standing in doorways waiting for acknowledgement... but simply chose to ignore them and live "normal" lives?
I sleep with these thoughts tonight.
I'm trapped
I'm not too sure how I am trapped or who's holding me hostage. But somehow... i'm never able to do the things that I really would like to do. I have a huge wish list of things to do. And I can't seem to hack away at the base of the mountain. I chip at little blocks of snow here and there... but they fall to the bottom and solidify with the base and make it taller. I can never seem to get things done that I really want done. WHAT IS BLOCKING ME??? GOSH!!!! I'm having a LIFE ATTACK!!!!
