There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I had dinner with AZ today. It was definitely an eye opener. We sat and talked about the events from my birthday and everything that has happened (or not) since. We talked about relationships and settling and folks finding their soulmates and being ready for their soul mates and living happily ever after or breeding cats. We did cover everything under the sun.
I decided today that I need to start figuring out what I'm special for. She asked me and I said... web design. She said.. "That's something you're good at, but if I sweat you enough and read enough books, I could be fly at that too. There is something that you're special for. " I can't imagine what it is. I thought it was being really friendly and open and loving... but I can SEE that there are older sisters in my chapter who are not receptive to my doing that. I'm thinking whatever I'm special for has to be global. The whole world has to agree that they think I'm good at it, whatever it is. Kind of like how everyone can agree that Mother Theresa was a woman of philanthropy and a caring sould... sainted. And everyone can agree that Martin Luther King was a HUGE catalyst for all the things that have happened as far as the civil rights movement. And Ghandi was an amazing proponent of peace. These are sweeping assumptions that anyone in the world can make. What can and will be said of me? ... I'm a profuound procrastinator? I am the reckloose of pack rats? I am the forsaker of great opportunities. I'm being so negative.
I read somewhere that clutter stops the flow of energy and the removal allows life to flow. Everything in my world is cluttered right now. I need to find time to make that change so that my life will flow and stop sputtering the way it's been.
