There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I've been away from any semblance of an internet connection so I haven't blogged since Thursday.
Friday I left for a retreat with my chapter sorors. It just so happens that the business team that I used to be a part of was also meeting in that same location. I did manage to see EVERYONE: Upline, downline, sponsors, crossline. People that were an integral part of my life from 1996 - 1998. Only 2 years... but they were the two years that shaped me as a person. They are also the two years that I have the least recollection of. Only bits and pieces. And some are great... and most are painful. The most painful of them all was how little time I spent with my family. But seeing 2 of my crossline that I loved and missed the most made me realize that I had not gazed into their faces in 5 years. And that hurt me. Because I sorely missed them... and only them. Seeing my sponsors was a lukewarm feeling. And the one person that I sponsored gave me a welcome reception. I can't help the pang of guilt at leaving her behind. But she's in good hands and she knows what to do. But for a minute... I wondered what my life would have been like had I stayed and really actually built it. I realize now that it was filling a void that the sorority left while I was on suspension. I needed that social interaction and the ties to someone or something that I felt I was important to. It fulfilled that. But as soon as I realized that I could do that again with my Sisterhood... I had to get right back to it. It was a sisterhood that I wanted. Not so much a business. Still can't knock how much money people who were at my level back then are making NOW. Retired at 34 and what not. Gotta be proud for them.
Then there was the sisterhood. Friday night ended dizzily... and then I woke up Saturday convulsing and vomiting. I missed the first half of the sessions. So when I did finally get downstairs, I felt all disjointed. And I can't help but think that the Bas and AntiBas are just bitter with me for no reason. I also think that I'm paranoid and have no idea what is going on in their minds. But one minute... they're peace peace... and the next they are peering at me out of the corner of their eyes. But I realize that I'm stuck in this chapter. I really can't go anywhere else. If drama is more or the same elsewhere... why shift?
One of the sorors in the chapter is moving to ATL. Just so happens to be the membership chair. So as a going away gift, sorors in the chapter pitched in to buy her a crystal heart. And she was moved. She looked at it and said, "This is going to have to go on a table somewhere and whenever someone says what a beautiful piece, I'll say 'Let me tell you the story of my heart.'" The phrasing got me. I know she was talking about the piece of crystal. But I could just hear her telling the story of her HEART. The Heart of a Soror. How she pledged and made other lines and how she joined our chapter and the trials and tribulations and her fear of taking reigns of power and being encouraged by other sorors and withstanding the criticism of some to keep doing her job and having a baby and getting married and how all this helped to give her a strong and beautiful Heart. But I know she'd just be talking about the crystal piece on her table. I hope she tells the story often and that it inspires people.
One of the best experiences this weekend was when I saw on of my sisters do an interpretive dance to a song that was something like "Clean Heart". It was a gospel song that I'd not heard before. Based on a piece of scripture (as they all are)... it started out typical. But the way her dancing just escalated... she brought my emotions with it. At one point I wanted to jump up out of my seat and say YES!!! and clap for how she was making me feel. How she was embodying how I feel about Jesus. How my heart jumps when I think of how I want to worship Him. But the catholic, conservative part of me kept me seated... and the Holy Spirit started to spill from my eyes. I was so overcome with emotion. I'll never understand that... I wasn't sad... but the tears just flowed. It took me a long time to compose myself. But I will never forget how that made me feel. I need to find a church home. My soul needs nurturing.
I have work in the morning. So I guess I'd better get some shut eye. But it's been an interesting weekend. I hope I can get some clarity out of it and the emotions that I'm feeling now.
