There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Which I never do... cause I HATE how I look with them. But my headaches have to be coming from somewhere. So I'm trying out different things to make them go away. They said it was gonna rain tonight, but I haven't seen a drop yet.
Last night my baby and I spent some time together talking and I shared my frustrations with him. I hope he thinks about them and decides that what we have is worth salvaging. I wonder if I just always come up with something to save us from. I must need drama.
I took an IQ test yesterday. They said that 140 was genius... and I scored 133. It felt good. I need constant reminders that going crazy on account of this world hasn't rendered me stupid. I took what was likened to a Rorschach inkblot test. It said that my subconscious strives for Peace. Nuh'duy. I knew that. But it was cool to have that confirmed.
This weekend I was going to try to escape to Virginia Beach. But then I got a call from the Student Loan people. And I realized I had to throw that out of the window. I'm taking a penchant to not dodging my creditors. I'm going to look them in the eye and tell them... I don't have much... but I'll let y'all split it up :) Consequently, I'm going to try to "unblock" my energy this weekend and organize my living space. See if I can make where I lay my head ultimately the most un cluttered location in my life. *sigh* can it happen in a weekend? I hope :)
I took a nap when I got home from work today and it felt good. I hope that I go to sleep tonight and it's restful. I've been waking up more tired than when I went to sleep.
My mom went to hug me today and winced when trying to pick up her arm. She wreaked of Vicks Vaporub and Ben Gay. Her skin was so soft though. I wished that living didn't cause her so much pain.
Okay.. .these glasses are making me dizzy. I'm calling it in.
