There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I'm answering questions from my TLOB Group here...
Part A: Who am I? [Choose five words that honestly and accurately describe who you are now. Choose five words that describe who you want to be.] Who I am now:
Creative, Empathetic, Self-Defeating, Enthusiastic, Worrysome
Who I want to be:
Peaceful, Contented, Debt-Free, Hopeful, Motherly
Part B: What do you think people would say about you if they had to speak at your funeral? What would you like them to tell others about you? I pray that when I pass on from this world, people will say that I made a difference in their lives. That meeting me changed their mind about something. Opened up their minds to something. Made them feel like someone cared. That maybe I may have lightened up and otherwise dreary day or just made them feel like they were not in this alone. I would like them to tell others that I was undeniably human and was lent to error, but always did the best I could to repair. That I had an affinity to love things in nature that we take for granted... the moon, the sky, the colors of the trees, the snow and ice. And that more than anything else, I worried about the kind of world we'd leave for our progeny. Just hoping that it might be easier and safer and less cluttered with corruption and politics so that they have a sincere value of the life that we are gifted with and make the best of the gifts that they've been given.
We live on a passage between there and somewhere interesting
This is how my brother chose to describe the neighborhood we live in. It's the midpoint between where people work and where they go somewhere more enticing. We're that shortcut that they take to get to the BQE or to the Airport... or to the Grand Central. But no one stops through. They just run through to make sure that they can get to somewhere more interesting. I hope that this neigborhood is that for me too. Just a midpoint. Although... it's where I started. I hope that it's a springboard... and I've just recoiled for a long time. When it snaps back... I'm gonna go far.
Wow, I just glanced down and realized I haven't blogged since tuesday. I don't know what has really happened. Not much really... I got really mad at an old episode of SATC last night. One where Big just keeps showing up. And I got so frustrated cause my brother said... you know... this mirrors your situation. I had to scream into a pillow. Because you'd think after 10,000 years of the institution of marriage being a part of our life... we'd've figured it out by now. The tendency to infidelity when you're married and the penchant for married men to constantly strike at single / attached / non married women who are just in their corner trying to be happy. You'd think we'd be able to write a manual about all the signs to watch for. So much so that we emulate it in tv shows... so that girls like me can watch them... and scream into a pillow.
Mommy felt better yesterday. She put some heat strip something on her shoulder and she said it gave her a lot of relief. Now... if we can just find out WHY the shoulder is hurting so much AND quell the coughing. She might be able to go back to focusing on the other pains and maladies.
I started my money journal last night. I have an affirmation that I have to say to myself in the morning for 5 minutes every morning. I need to make that work. This being responsible crap is kicking my ass. But I have to stick it through. Rebuilding my history is taking a while. I hope when I'm finally done with it... someone will have the wherewithall to forget my past.
I'm hanging out with sugie tonight (late bday celebration). I hope I have fun. I really need to let loose and feel sexy. *
