There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I don't know how else to put it. No matter what I did I managed to stay alone even if that's not how I wanted to be. I participated in the Breast Cancer walk today. 5 miles and most of it spent alone. I turned my thoughts to my grandmother. Because after a while I was tempted to get out and just take the train home so I could be alone in a familiar setting rather than out in the open. But she gave me strength and I walked for her today.
It's been getting increasingly difficult to hold back the tears lately. They GUSH forwards. I had them under control for so long. "The more you cry, the less I care". I only had to hear it once before I trained them to stay back. I don't WANT folks to care less about me. So I stopped the tears. But I think the years of swallowing them back is wearing away at my resolve. And now they pour out of my eyes. Not a sound from my mouth or heaving of my chest. Just tears stream. I have to stock up on the excuses. "Oh... I was just yawning" doesn't really get it anymore. And so many things make my heart sad these days. What can I do to get a stronger fortress for my soul? How can I strengthen that barrier. Too many things get to me to fast. I used to be able to control it. Maybe with age comes weakness. Or a desire to NOT play games or pretend.
I hope this week is better for me. I need to get so much done. I'm thinking I need a mental health day. Chaos isn't good for my health. I need to slow down. I need, I need I need.
