There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I constantly am reminded of how many people love me.
I think it's God's way of making sure I don't give up on myself. Last night at the Stepshow, before they were going to announce the winners, they pulled me up on stage and the whole audience sang Happy Birthday to me. Sorors, Zetas, Deltas, Sigmas, Kappas... everyone. They really do love me.... and I don't know why. They were all genuinely happy for me and excited for my birthday. I hope whatever I've been doing to stay in good favor continues. Lord knows I don't want any enemies. (Not like I care if I do, really).
Last night I was a mommy.
I had my baby's two cousins with me: Sammie and Jessica. And I just love being with them and talking to them and holding their hands. Sammie got sick during the night and I felt so bad because there was really nothing I could do for him. He had eaten something bad during the day and it redoubled on him during the evening. So I was glad when they got home. Jessica is my favorite. She's so sweet and innocent. There's so much innocence there... God Please don't let anything unnatural happen to that. One of my sorors came over and said to her "You're so pretty" and she blushed. I couldn't have agreed more. Lately I've been looking at my friends babies and I have so much hope for them. I know AP's son is going to be a scientist. He has the countenance of a genius. I'm excited for the future. Maybe one day I'll be able to make a contribution.
Chapter Meeting... was long and drawn out. I just sat there and there was talk and talk and talk. I realized I need to be a better Heart sister... and it has to start post haste. More battles were lost yesterday and still more won. This sisterhood is very taxing and definitely the most abusive relationship I've EVER been a part of. I can't justify to myself why I love it so much... but it treats me like so much shit. Maybe answers will come one day...
My sands bought me this painting for my birthday. And I full on cried when I pulled it out of the bag. She has always been so thoughtful. This gift is one that I unknowingly picked out myself and I thought that she was buying the last one for her self. I look at it and I get chills. So when I looked at it yesterday I started to cry... because I still love it so much. But it treats me so bad. I have to either find a way out... or find a way for it to stop mistreating me.
Chapter Meeting...