There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
That's today's soundtrack. Listen to it here if you'd like while you read:
Your browser doesn't support the EMBED tag, but you can still listen to the music on this page by <a href="http://www.thoughtsdaughter.com/sounds/EverythingMustChange.wma">clicking here.</a>
That's just generally true for all things going on in my life right now. My way of thinking must change... my way of acting must change. My life has to change. I just hope it's for the best.
I realized that the way I was going, I wasn't ready for significant change (the one I wanted) to happen anyway. Life would have been an eternal purgatory of waiting. And I despise waiting. AZ is going to do some life changing with me. It's so weird as I gear up for change, it seems that my parents, as much as they'd LIKE to change... have unwilling gears that refuse to shift into motion. I woke up one morning and they were old... and I'm raising them. What a powerless position.
Last time I had this much change it set the stage for my life for the next few years. I remember Kadija gave me a change medallion. And I put it on... and all in one week, i found out that J was cheating on me, my parents had cancer and my job was in jeopardy. So I took it off at the end of the week and said... okay... that's enough change. But I don't need the medallion, do I? It's going to happen whether I want it to or not.
I'm praying for AP tonight. Stuff has reverted... and he needs the light.
I cornered my baby tonight and had my way with him *tee hee* I love him. Don't think that will ever change.
