There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I really feel loved. My mom looked at me last night with this look of... "Wow... my baby is all grown up" and it felt really amazing. Thinking about it makes me tear up... because the same way she'll always look at me and see her baby... is the same way I'll always look at her and see how she's always been my world. Daddy was cute too. He specializes in cute. They bought me a cheesecake and some champagne for my birthday :) which was sweet. Usually we have champagne at midnight on my birthday (I used to SEE to that when I was drinking more often). But for the past two years we just celebrate in the day time. Even if we just sit together at the table and talk. That's celebration for us.
I'm gonna jump in the shower. My baby is taking a half day from work to spend it with me! He hasn't told me all that we're doing... but I'm going into it not expecting anything. I'm just gonna relax and not have any preconceived notions of anything.
Sometimes I think that friends of mine are reading this ... and they get so sad when I post sad things. But... it's my life and I can't hide from how I feel. And after just crying my eyes out tonight, I can't possibly post happy things. This birthday has been an eye opener. I realize the things I have to do in order for my life to go in any definitive direction. And I realize those things have always, and will always be contingent on MY actions. I can't lie in state and wait for someone else to set the spark to make the wheels in my life begin to move. I have to do that. So at the very least, I embark on my 30th year a little more focused than before. A little more determined. And I need to be. Because there is much to be done before I get any older. I have many goals to accomplish.... and I need to go about them as if I'm not waiting for anything anymore. Because I can't.
Starting with my job. I have to find someway to make more money. And if my search takes me outside of NY, then so be it. But... I will not be held hostage by the big j. engine. I have to find a place that will realize my worth and pay me accordingly. D is helping me to see if b.j.e. will open up their eyes and see the resources that we have in-house. But I'm not going to sit around and wait on them. I'm going to do the best I can to make moves REGARDLESS of who is around or who has say in what. I'm taking charge now.
I want to be this razor focused for the rest of my life. Letting my emotions get in my way has ALWAYS been my downfall and made me a mushy piece of spineless shit. I have to get off my ass.
In the immortal words of my colleague Tim: Fuck you. Pay me.
