There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Tonight, my baby and I were talking about baby names. What we'd name our boy and our girl. I had suggested Christopher but he thought that was too plain. He suggested Elias... but I think that's too... um... Jewish sounding. Nothing against the Jews. But we'd call him "Eli" for short. What we did agree on are the middle names for our children. Francis for the boy (after my baby's uncle / father figure) and Therese for the girl (after my granny). There was no contesting that. We did agree that at the least the girls name will have to be one of royalty. Being that both our names have royal tones to them. So we were thinking... Isabella or Elizabeth. Cleopatra and Dutchess were shot down. Well... back to the drawing board :)
This project heat is just too much. I have the AC on. And it's the end of October. Only because I would completely melt in my sleep and wake up as a puddle. Today was the beginning of Ramadan. One month, intense prayer... no food from sunrise to sunset... then after sunset only water, bread and dates and things of that nature. What immense focus and discipline. Amazing. I'm good if I can make it through the month without GAINING weight. But I am working on creating better habits. Paying my bills as arduous as that is for me to not be able to just spend on anything I want. I take my contacts out every night. I'm realizing more and more the damaging things that I do to myself are kind of here to stay with me now. I'm at that point where the body begins to degenerate. I have to be more careful. Starting with getting more sleep. So I'm going to practice that now. *
