There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Today was pretty blah. I had a restless nights sleep. Last night I cut a "friend" off. I use that loosely. He wasn't much of a friend. More like... someone I gave and gave and gave to... and he took and took and took... and expected more. Which was a perfectly fine model of friendship for that time in life when I met him. But I've grown... and I've learned to want more. And expect more. And know that I'm worth more. So I've changed. And I had to realize that me changing did not involve the whole world shifting to accomodate me. It just involved me changing and needing to know what fits and what doesn't anymore.
And he didn't fit anymore. The sad yet funny part of this, is that there is a little piece of me that knows he's not gonna fight back. He's just gonna let me go and walk out of his life as if I didn't really mean all that much to it anyway. And that's the realization that I'll have to deal with. I really didn't weigh all that much in the scheme of his life. But, I did really always know that. I could always feel it in the things that he was willing to do and the things that he was not. I was confident that I definitely cared more.
So I wasn't really able to sleep too well last night. It was restless sleep. Constantly replaying the conversation in my mind. Funny... out of all the conversations I ever had with anyone... out of every "break up" ... this is the one that I felt I said all I had to say. I didn't leave anything out. You know how you finish breaking up and as you're walking away and you've gotten on the train or get in the car... you think to yourself "AND ANOTHER THING!!!... DAMN... I should have said that then". I really don't have that feeling this time. I was short and sweet and everything I wanted to convey was in my words. That feels complete. Just the ... waiting a few days to not hear from him... will take some getting used to. But this is for the best.
I am expecting big things to happen soon... My whole life is about to change... and I'm not sure how. But I know it's coming.
Mommy's Stories
Ever since I was a little girl, I always wanted to know more about my mom. I used to ask her about herself when I was just 7 or 8. I was really interested in knowing this woman I depended on so greatly. But of course, at that age, she wasn't going to share her life story with me. But now that time has caught up with her and life has had it's way with her a bit... she's opening up and just telling stories; especially since grandma died. So I want to document them here before I forget.
Today she was telling me about how they had Chinese takeout in Haiti, which I found HILARIOUS. But her favorite dish was something like spaghetti (which I automatically assumed was lo mein) and sausage (that's where I stopped assuming). She said they made a sauce with the sausage and then spread it over the spaghetti. To me that doesn't sound Chinese at all. That sounds like some Ghetto stuff!!! LMAO!! Like spaghetti and hot dogs. *giggles* That's some ghetto eatin'.
