There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I'm writing from work So you know this has to be bad. You know... once upon a time, if I got "called in" to any head honcho's office... it was usually to talk about how they're pleased with my work. I do good work. I'm a smart girl... I'm confident of this. But this company... damnit... they only call me in when they THINK (the operative) that I've done something wrong. And usually, it's not even me. It's some other bs that makes it look like I'm at fault, but I'm really not. And I own up to my mistakes. I always do. So I have no reason to make myself sound like the golden child. But I hate feeling like the only control I have over this is just to pout and be hurt like the little kid who'll run away. "THEN they'll be mad". Truth is, I could get a new job and they'd care less. *sigh* and I really am beginning to feel that way about EVERYWHERE I work. Will I never make a difference? Will I never be a pioneer or a trailblazer anywhere I go? I'll always be at the bottom, huh? This can't be my life. I'm so much smarter than this.
