There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
It's been one of those days. Nothing about me is right. I'm mad at my self for looking the way I do... living my life financially the way I have. Today, there's nothing anyone can tell me that will make me feel like anything more than a failure. I have to look at these days as the ones that make me appreciate the good days and even... the not so exciting days. Just the days that are even keeled. My soul feels bruised. I did all this to myself so that just increases the hurt. There are so many things i want to change about myself so quickly. But I am not giving myself time. And what's worse is that my willpower and resolve seem to fade after 3 or 4 months. I was doing so well at the beginning of the year... and then *poof* -- it all disappeared.
I'm hoping to cheer up sometime today, but it all just snowballed.
Good thing is that I sold most of my raffles last night when I thought i wouldn't. Which is great... and I'm excited about that. *trying to find silver linings*
I wonder if I'm hopelessly optimistic. I get so sad sometimes and I know is the valley to my peaks.... and they are quite high... at least to the outside world. But when I come down, I come down off the percieved-me-high AND the real me high. It's a long way to fall.
I miss my baby... I can't wait for this weekend. We've not had any "us" time in a while. Maybe that's part of the sadness. There are so many factors. I really just think that its the swell before my cycle. I wish that joint would just GET here... so I can relax. DAMN! I hate being so emotional.
I'm gonna get some lunch... at 4:00 PM *sigh* oh well... I'll write again.
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