There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
A good day to sleep in and watch the gray come in through the windows.
Or maybe clean my room (which is in a state of total disrepair). But my energy is way low today. I have to work some premiere event tonight, so I can't even go straight home. I just want to strip down and be in my jammies and relax at home. I've never yearned to be home so much as I have in the last few hours. But I enjoyed staying away a few days. Less stuff to worry about. No worries about my parents (at least... no founded worries and me sitting there in their faces watching them be sick or dilapitated). No worries about battles with little creatures around the house. Actually... now that i'm thinking of it... I'm so not looking forward to going back BECAUSE of that fact. I hate that so much. It just totally puts me on edge. *sigh*
I'm trying to figure out what my birthday is going to be like. So far I haven't planned anything... but I have a feeling it'll be pretty slow. Kind of not festive at all. I wonder what I'll do. Everything I was looking towards looks like it's not going to happen. And that puts me in a very weird place. Because now, not only do I not know what I'm doing for my birthday... but I'm not sure where our future is. Not that it would have made such a huge difference if something did happen on my birthday. But I'm just looking forward and seeing the wait. And wait.... and wait. I just have to gear up for it. It's not like I'm running anywhere. So I'll be here. I gotta wake up. I'm so sleepy. Umma go walk around
