There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
So I probably won't be home in a timely manner, nor will I feel like blogging when I get home. I'll just feel like sleeping.
I talked to my Nininne today. I really miss her. I told her I'd come see her out in Florida... and you KNOW I have to love someone to tell them THAT.
I spent the day working today, but also shmoozing on the phone. I missed all of that since I had gone to the Dr. half way through the day yesterday. I told everyone about the Train Party. I hope more people go this time (that I know)... but it's highly unlikely.... it's on Halloween. It's bad enough that NY is dangerous... but dag.
Last night my brother and I were on Union Square / 14th Street area... and it was just the ideal New York Night. There were vendors on the street convincing me that the $15 in my pocket that I said I needed to hold on to so I could eat the next day would service me better buying a bauble for my neck so I could look great and someone would offer to buy me dinner. (fat chance).... and there was a man off in the distance smoothly playing his saxophone to anyone who would listen and the city was just alive and buzzing. On a Monday Night... at 9:00 PM... most cities have died down and are getting ready for Tuesday. Not NY. We're just getting over the Weekend and have to loosen up from Monday's Daytime activities. And it's buzzing with life.
I was talking with a friend that NY... is a love/hate relationship. I LOVE NY. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I'm so excited that I was born here and raised here and enjoy my life here. But I swear that I hate it when I hate it. Somewhere between 8:00 - 9:00 AM and 6:00 - 7 :00 PM (rush hours) I hate NY. Somewhere between Lexington & 53 and 42 & 7th, I hate NY. Folks are pushy and mean and want to bowl you over and don't care if their bag jabs you in the side and step on your foot and beat you to the seat and hey get outta my way and that was MY cab.....
Through it ... there's the glimmer of someone helping someone up the stairs with a baby carriage... Someone offering directions to some lost folks. People giving money to someone less fortunate who may actually deserve it.
I think its those glimmers that allow me to enjoy the city lights a little more. Cause, at least we're still human. And give a damn about each other. But the bottom line is that there is NO where like NY. I could never move anywhere else and feel as comfortable. As satiated. As impressed. Chicago comes close. But is still second to my NY NY.
With that said... I'm going out for a night on the with Sug. We'll hang around Manhattan for a little bit... then head to BK... and then home.
Back from the evening.
It was good to hang out with Sug. I realize that having good friends is so important in my life. I really have someone that I can tell ANYTHING too and she won't be weirded out... and vice versa. I'm grateful for good friends.
I was thinking on the way home... staying in a passionateless relationship can be likened to being buried alive. Can you imagine? Having all the memories of passion and knowing the pleasures therein... but not being able to enact them...ever? Because you've decided to stay in a union devoid of passion? No excitement... no spontenaity? I look at my mom and I pray for her. But it's been a long time. 30+ years... of being buried alive. I don't think it could be me.
