There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Well, I'm sitting here on the Monday after Easter, in my pjs and not motivated to go ANYWHERE... especially not work. I'm supposed to be in there now, but I really don't even care anymore. I almost wish they would fire me so I could collect severance and unemployment, etc etc etc.
I need a vacation. My body is tired and I'm stressed. Things aren't going for me the way I would hope in a lot of arenas. I hate my job now... which I never thought would happen. I was so in love with my job when I first started working there... but for me to hate it so much now is amazing to me. I stopped believing in the company, I can't even say that I like working there for the people anymore. I just plain hate it. And I'm jeopardizing my position there by acting so flighty about my attendance, but I just hate being there. And I have this interview at 5:00 PM with CD101.9 and I don't want to go. Not cause I don't want to interview for the job, but simply because I don't have it in me to smile as my teeth and tonsils are checked and I'm placed on the auction block yet again. And it's increasingly difficult for me to get work because 1) we're reaching a recession 2) people aren't excited about dot coms anymore 3) I'm trying to stay in the computer field. It would be great if I wanted to be completely out of the computer field and back in to administrative assistance, but I can't do that anymore. I HATE not being able to move up and always having to do the same thing all the time.
I watch Denise, Bo's new assistant, run around and running his life and it drives me batty that she could be happy doing something like that. Makes me absolutely insane. But some people are just fine with the prospect of never climbing upwards in the world. The business messed me up for ever. I'll never be happy with a J.O.B. every again. Cause I really realize that is what it is. Oh well.
The man situation is crazy too... Just to catch you up... I made a move on E around November... and we we've been seeing each other casually ever since... I started to pay less attention to Cary, because since I didn't have to obsess about him anymore, there was no reason for me to harp on him not calling or not being around. But then one day he saw me and E come into Audra's birthday party and things haven't been right since.
He started to pour on the charm and send me roses and all sorts of excitement, invite me to dinners and movies and plays... everything he should have been doing back when I was a speck on his calendar and he could care less about me. I'll be honest in here and say that the 3 weeks that E was in GA., Cary and I spent some time together... I think I was trying to bring closure to the whole thing. But it didn't really come to closure because he proposed all these promises of what we would be if we were together. He went so far as to show me a ring. God know what that meant. And of course all this at the end of the 2 weeks, right before E was due back in NY. That was such a crazy time for me. Because I remember it feeling like I felt when I ping pongged back and forth between Shawn and J.
But I've told myself, for the sake of my relationship with E and his with Denise (that's her name)... that I would just back down and out and disappear. But of course he's written to me and left me voicemail already. But I just wish we could disappear from each other's lives. He's moved on, I moved on... there's no reason for this to be a Shirley Caesar song. But maybe he wants it that way. Maybe he's one of those types that likes drama. You know? Maybe I am too. Who knows.
