There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I aimlessly spend my days and nights searching for attention. I just want someone to notice me.... To the point where if the little cat on my screen for my Office 2000 meows at me... I get happy. She smiles at me... and I feel like someone's paying attention.
I don't need 24 hour watch... but it's nice to know that I'm being through about and cared about and loved. On my birthday eve, I see myself sitting here... on the end of 2 dead phones... that refuse to ring wishing that they would. That someone would just pop up out of nowhere and say "HEY VIC! Happy Birthday girl... let's go out... lets do something fun! I wanna celebrate you because this day is important to me too."
I've said that to so many people. Their birthdays ARE important to me. Without that day carrying that significance, those people would not be in my life. And the people who partake in my life are dear to me. Maybe not as dear as I would like to be to them.
I think that is why I enjoy being drunk now... when I'm that way, I don't really care.
I'm too busy sitting there trying to figure out a way to stay level so I don't fall over. And the dizziness envelops me so much that I can't focus my mind too sharply on any one emotion. It's a bliss that I'm afraid of... because I don't want to be that way all my life...I want control. I need to be in control of my emotions and my feelings... and be able to temper when I feel lonely IF I feel it at all.
It's easier being alone now. Alone. Doesn't mean I'm not lonely... because I am. I'm lonely all the time. But at least now... I have to come to terms with it because I don't have my convenient crutch i.e. a man to snuggle up to and trick myself into believing that I'm not truly alone. But I am. But like I said...that isn't the bad part. The bad part is the loneliness. The feeling that I only get distracted from when I'm in the presence of others.
I get so enveloped in the sadness...the constant grasping for someone's attention. I think I'm the only one who realizes how deafening a silence it is when I open up my AOL and hear "Welcome"............
But I don't have mail... and I was desperately waiting for some mail. Or have to hold my breath when I do hear "you've got mail" just to find out it's a newsletter or some kind of advertisement. Cause no one was actually thinking about ME??? C'mon that is asking for too much.
And I despise rejection. Which is why I haven't called Cary. I KNOW he'll say something to me that will make me wish I didn't call. The something usually sounds like "No" or "I can't" which are words I abhor hearing. But he uses them so freely with me. And since I really don't know what his story / game is... I don't want to catch the illy J flash backs and call him and have him be all tight lipped. That I can't deal with at all. And Earl is out of pocket... which I guess is safest for him to be there... because... you know... he's not ready for me.
I wonder who will call ... I wondered who would come to my birthday party last year. And it was interesting to see the turn out. So the call list will be even moreso interesting. I can't shake the feeling that I'm being spoiled but on all days? I'm thinking this one... I'm entitled. I am flexible to everyone's needs any other time... but for once damnit... I'm gonna want what I want. I just wish I could stop checking my IM list to see who is on... to see who might be checking for me. But no one is. So I guess I'll stop delaying my trip to the liquor store.
