Right Now I'm...

follow me on Twitter

Well, I'm on this plane on my way to Texas... the take off was a little shaky and had nervous for a second. But I guess since we reached 10,000 feet, I'll be okay till we have to start touching down. I'm hoping this guy doesn't try any of that hotshot shit that the pilot from my trip to TN tried. That was nerve wracking. At the very least, though, for that experience, I had my co-workers with me. It was really cool... kind of like the time we all took a plane to go to the Black Student's Leadership conference. That was the best. Those 2 trip were the pinnacle of my college experience. But... I digress...

Where can I begin... it's been a hot minute since I've written and now I'm at a loss to even know where to get started...

I know I kept journals during my time in the business... but I've since stopped attending meetings for the time being. I wonder if that is going to be permanent or not... I tell myself I'm going back to the business all the time... but I can't honestly see myself going through the contacting and selling and "peddling" of products for the rest of my life. I did however, hook up with Nerland and she started to sell me the products as a customer. Which is very cool because I loved the products. I never saw anything wrong with them. I just had a problem with 23 out of 24 hours a day being dedicated to the Pursuit of THE DREAM... not necessarily MY dream at the time.

Someone just rang the bell on the plane and now I smell something burning. I hope that is just the food being cooked. I'm starved... I should have eaten before I got on the plane... but I was rushing around like there was no tomorrow. And I STILL forgot things. I can't believe that. I left my contacts at home, which I'm convinced is the reason behind my eyes looking really puffy every morning. Could be age and I refuse to come to terms with it. Mom struggles with it all the time: the circles around her eyes, the puffiness... "How do my eyes look today?" she'll ask... already predisposed not to believe what I say. But I guess that is because she knows I'm going to say nice things. I refuse to help put her down. She's the coolest.

I think I've caught her up in this little power struggle my dad and I are having. He's being a jerk... unfortunately; he's being a jerk in his own right. It is HIS house... but it's MY life... so we're doing a tug of war again. It's a shame. He only wants to get involved in my life when it looks like it will give him a bad name or when he thinks he's on to something. (But usually when he's ON to it... it's already over.) So I've decided that I'm going to move out. I need space of my own; I need to understand what it's like to fend for myself... I need to be me.

Which is why I broke up with Shawn and Jean and any other subsequent relationships that were on going within the past 3 months. I can't do it anymore. I need to be Victoria: unadulterated. I have been "Fill in the Blank's" girl for so long... and seem to be yielding NOTHING. I was in one of the girls' from the step teams' car a couple of days ago and she was regaling us with tales of what it was like to be proposed to on the shores of the Dominican Republic. I made the mistake of asking her how old she was. She said 23. That did it for me. She's 23 and engaged... I'm 25 and just getting to know myself. And I ask the question of myself every day: If the 10-year-old Vicky met the 25-year-old Victoria... how would she behave? Would she like her? Would she be disappointed? What would be the conversation they would have? The response changes from day to day. Today... it would be one of ... indifference. I think she'd be happy that Victoria travels and goes great places and doesn't stay put all the time... but I also think she'd be disappointed with Victoria's attendance to her money. Which seems to be an ongoing struggle for Victoria. Not to say that Vicky knew better how to save... but I think it goes beyond the scope of the things that Vicky wanted for Victoria.

We're getting a little bumpy right now... hopefully it's just turbulence. They don't come on the loudspeaker anymore and say "Uh.... Ladies and Gentlemen, we're experiencing a slight bit turbulence in the air right now... nothing to be alarmed about, just please stay in your seats and fasten your seat belts." Basically the mentality now is "SUFFER". Which sucks... cause I truly do. Suffer that is.

Okay... the flight attendants are running around securing overheads... AGAIN... which is making me more nervous than before... but they are still serving snacks and such. Or whatever it is. Okay... that is much better... I had the laptop on top of its case in my lap... and it was way too high... but I put the case on the floor... so the typing a little smoother now.

Anyway...WOW... they came on the loudspeaker about the turbulence!! I'm amazed. Unfortunately... I'm also not feeling any better about it. I'm sitting right by the wing and it is SHAKING like crazy!!! sigh I really have to get over it. And just calm down...

Now what was I saying before? Vicky and Victoria:

So the past few weeks being "sans" a man has been interesting. Even though I can't really qualify as being "sans" anything. What, with trips and visits from both J and Shawn and my little experience with the Don... the only thing I've been "sans" is control. Which I also need to work with. (They're on the speaker again.... This time it's the pilot...we'll be landing at 9:08 central time and the weather in TX is 98 degrees!!! GOOD GRIEF) I have to teach myself how to restrain a little bit more. It's ridiculous. Now I have Caz that I tripped up and told that I love yesterday when he and I knew full well he didn't deserve to hear that. He said he's going to try to come to Dallas... but I can't let myself believe that... he isn't going to do it. He'll ALWAYS come up with an excuse of some kind. That is his motus opperandi. (I'm really not feeling this chick next to me... she's been elbowing me all the way here and never saying "excuse me". This whole plane is packed with haughty hoity toities. Oh well... It looks like they'll be serving dinner in a minute. This is going to be such a long flight.

Okay... we just had dinner and now I'm suffering from a bad case of niggeritis. I want to sleep... but I can't cock my chair back and all I get when I fall asleep upright is abruptly awoken by my head swinging in any given direction. There is a child on this plane who insists on making sure that he lets us all know that he is a) tired, b) hungry or c) spoiled. I can't seem to figure out which... but I'm leaning towards spoiled because he really needs to hush up.

Anyway... where was I?

Caz. Yeah... I don't know what it is about his voice that just makes me act like a damned fool. I just really melt when he talks to me and the stupid, naïve part of me that fell in love with his dumbass to begin with gets all mystified and nostalgic. He's got a chemical in his voice that I think can be likened to triptophane in milk when it's heated...you know? It calms me down so much that my guard comes down and I'm susceptible to anything. I have to control that somehow.

Then there is this infatuation thing I have going on (and off) with D.Chris. He's such a sweetie pie... but I think I like him so much because I can't have him! I saw the other day what it is about him that makes me favor him so much. He reminds me of dad in his stature... and he reminds me of myself in culture. Like... he likes to go places and do things and see people and travel and appreciates good old music... I could tell that in school he must have been a bit of a geek. Just like me. Because now he's got all the qualities of someone who had to fight a little harder to get acceptance into the "in" crowd. He's very smooth and cool... but a little awkward a the same time. A little boyish... but I don't have a fear that I would be raising him if we dated. And I don't even know if I would ever want to "date" him. I think I just want him to sweat me... which he won't because I'm not his type. Plus... I'm not happy enough with myself to sweat myself for him to be calling himself sweating me. I've seen him in quintessential guy mode: staring at females asses and everything. (which was slightly disappointing – but that is the same thing as guys thinking women don't fart or shit.). And the asses that he was glancing at look NOTHING like mine. (even though mine is starting to round out a little... but I think that is because I gained weight... so if it has to flatten when I lose the weight... SO BE IT! But... Joanna said she's gonna try and find out for me.. (what he feels about me.. if anything. I actually hope it's more than just a friendship feeling. I've got enough of that in life. "Friendship feelings" and no true friends. This thing is going to shut off... I'll be back when I'm in my hotel room


*