There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
It's gotten to the point where the memories don't even make me so much as smile anymore. Memories of fond things I did with Sug and Max... sweet memories of loves past... barely even memories of my childhood running hot and cold. I look upon all of them with my minds eye and stare at them coldly. No emotion. No remorse. No nothing. It's the emptiest feeling in the world. Used to be that from my memories... I could reap some kind of sensitivity. Be it that horrible sharp stabbing pain... almost pleasurable... when thinking of the intimacies of loves past and how I yearned for them to return, because the memory making was so sweet and wonderful. Or romping around with my brothers and the kids in the apt. building. Or going to see a "chick flick" with my 2 "best" friends. I have to convince myself that better are to come. I feel myself evolving into this horrid bitch with no feelings.... And I think I'm looking forward to it. I have to curb my tongue sometimes to avoid her from coming out full force at the wrong time. Like times when I'm in the chat room... I be wantin' to say something soooo bad to Tray... just to tick her off enough to come out her face to me. But then I think... what exactly could I do from there.... I don't think fast enough to talk good game... so I'd probably lose out then. She's bigger than me... so she might sit on me. And then the most painful thought comes... why are we fighting? Supposedly... he's not with her anymore... and he's not with me anymore...so what's the beef? But... there will be beef. And I don't look forward to it when I get to ATL. This is going to be such a test of my self worth... which seems to be at an all time low. I really need to work on it. Then Caz is going to be in town tomorrow. There is a little part of me which speaks loudly that hopes he tries very hard to find me. But there is a littler part of me which speaks softly that lets me know he won't try so hard... and he probably won't have to because I'll give in... and lose everything I've fought for...some respect... a little piece of mind... something. I still hope he tries to call. I have so much to type about the convo I had with KNOW today.. I put a lot of things in perspective and I feel good... I need to continue to tread on that path. But for now... I'm mad as hell at the world and I'm being the TOTAL bitch.... And I don't mind being this way one bit.
