Right Now I'm...

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I'm here from a long day's work and stuff... and I'm really down tonight. I'm so sad... and I'm thinking it's my god aweful period that is coming. But it's other things. All sparked off by my constant ostracization from the team during practice. And it's not even discreet. I am not really the mistress. I'm just a member. I'm treated as such. Even when I'm there and Joelle is not. And it was just so convenient that after the letter that we both agreed to send came out, she disappeared and allowed me to take the brunt of the attack. So she's straight now and they all love and respect her... but I'm the dumbass and the bitch and jerk. I hate this team. If I was a quitter I'd have just left the shit alone. Just quit the team and called it a day. Been able to reclaim my social life (what's left of it) and move on. But I can't. I just have to forget about it and press on. No matter what they do, I'm the co-mistress too... I DO contribute to the decision making process... but what does that matter.

So Cassine is off the map for now. He spent all day yesterday pleading and begging with me to give him another chance and to not treat him meanly and coldly and that he belonged in my life, yadda yadda. So I said to him that I needed him to not do one thing... NOT to make idle promises to me and to just do whatever he needed to do, but not promise me anything any more. Then he said that if he didn't stick to a promise he made, he would drop off the face of the earth and I would never have to deal with him again. Well.. he promised to call me last night at 11:00 PM and talk to me... which I think he didn't. I dunno... My dad was on the phone until about 11:20... and you know how he ignores the other line when it rings. So maybe he did call... but at that point, based on the lesson he learned earlier in the week to TRY HARDER. But he did not call any other phone of mine. So when I logged in this morning, he wasn't there. So I blocked him. And I think I'll stay that way for a little while. What's the sense in chasing him down.

I've been having very lucid dreams lately. I had 2 dreams in the last 2 weeks. The first was that Shamyra was back in my life... and we were friends with each other. Then earlier this week, I had a dream that Maxine and I squashed our differences and were friends again And I can't tell you how good it felt to be in that dream. I was so at peace. Like it calmed my soul down for us to be friends again. I dunno why I think about them so often. It's not like they were the BEST friends I ever had. They were just the ones who were with me the longest. And I loved them... but I really didn't get that back from them. I'm finding in situations in life that I overextend myself to folks when I neednt do that. I could have brought back souvenirs for all them chicks on the team... they would still be stinky to me. And I'll never understand why. What did I do... do I smell??? What??? I don't care anymore. The only friendship that I feel (at least in the beginning) that I wasn't too concerned that I was giving more or less than the other person was when I was friends with Lee Ann. At least when we were in college. I loved being her friend... it just felt like friendship.... We never thought about her being white or me being black. In a lot of ways, I'm getting used to the idea that I'm going to be alone for a long time.

I was watching "Meet Joe Black" and there was this one scene where Joe is talking to this guy about having been in love... and he was saying how you know you're in love when the person you're dealing with knows your deepest darkest ugliest secret and still loves you and that allows you to be free to live and love that person with no strings attached. As far as my life... I feel like NO one knows. No one knows what is truly in my head on my mind or in my heart. I tell them what they want to know. Everyone sees half of me. I wonder if I let them see all of me... or none of me... would they like me better? Would I care at that point? I'm taking a LOT of time to make sure that others see the Vicky I think they'd like to. I need to stop caring. But I don't know where to begin so that I don't care. I think that is my biggest wish... to not give a fuck. To truly not care what anyone thinks of my body, my mind, my wants or needs... just to not care. So I can live and be me. Maybe I'll get there one day.. maybe not..